Some thoughts on pioneering

Tomorrow is the first day of school year 2011-12. My oldest is a senior. My oldest... is a senior!! It seems like just yesterday I was a senior. Now here I am, a battle weary mother of teenage boys, pre-teen girls, and a feisty 8 year old.

Life is harder than I had hoped it would be at this stage in life for me and mine. It seems we have encountered one trial after another over the past year. It has left me wondering WHY? Why me? Why can't this road I'm on be a little easier to travel? Why can I catch a break, just once?

Sometimes I think my life is likened unto the pioneers crossing the plains. You see, some were very smart and left in late spring/early summer and arrived in the valley in reasonable time. Others were a little foolhardy and left in late fall, thinking they would be blessed by the Lord, despite their poor choices. Their story is a faith filled, heroic one, but filled with trials that could have easily been avoided if they had been a bit wiser. And then the third group, well, they didn't fare well at all and turned on one another, literally eating each other up.

We don't really know the names of the pioneers who had a fairly wise and easy trip across the plains. We don't want to know a lot about The Donner party, and we hear a lot about The Willey-Martin hand cart company.

I often wonder, which one I would have chosen to cross the plains with, or if I would have opted to stay in beautiful Nauvoo and not cross at all. I think James and I would fall into the Willey-Martin company. We seem to frequently choose the more difficult route in life, then meet up with folks who have traveled a similar path and after comparing our travels, wonder why we weren't as smart as the ones who left in early spring. We often look back and realize a hardy winter coat would have come in handy, or maybe we really should have opted for the extra flour instead of the 25 pounds of lead we thought would be important. You never know when you could use a hefty helping of dead weight, right?

So, how did I end up in the middle of Wyoming, in the middle of winter, in the middle of a rock? Why not an easy-peasy path for me? Is it one of my own making? Is it one to help me grow?

Some quotes from Women's Conference ( which I loved ):

Righteousness has never precluded adversity. Heavenly Father provides opportunities during times of adversity that cannot be gained otherwise.
Connie Zwick Allen

Every experience can be a redemptive experience. If we stripped ourselves of the learning and experiences of life, we would be left with an empty shell.
Jeffery R. Holland ( quote of a quote of a quote )

Seriously though, I still just want to whine and complain. This is not what I signed up for!

But then... in church on Sunday, during the Sacrament, which is usually the quietest time of the entire week for me, I realized something. I have spent most of my life waiting for that elusive state of happiness to find me. Just about 40 years to be exact. I realized, I need to be the one who finds happiness. It will not come to me. It needs to be a choice, a way of life, an attitude.

That little bit of insight brought to me by The Spirit has helped me greatly this week. I am seeking out happiness every day. I am looking for the blessings and goodness that are all around me, just because I am alive. Sometimes the clouds cover my sunshine a bit, but things do seem a bit brighter.

Frances Webster of the ill-fated Willey-Martin handcart company said:

We suffered beyond anything you can imagine... Every one of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with Him in our extremities!

I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it. I have gone to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me! I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the Angels of God were there. “Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No! Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.

May I have the faith of Brother Webster when I take one last look at the long and difficult trail I crossed, called life.

Be Grateful!!

A few more summer pics

Here are a few more pictures of our summer trip...

Having fun with sparklers on the 4th

Me and some of my BFF's from high school

Coolio and Grandpa on the first day of soccer camp-- that's our MVP right there

Having fun at Color Me Mine-- our annual art fiesta

Standing in front of an enormous pile of books/art display at BYU

It looks like a doorway- but it isn't! Another pic from the BYU museum of art

Our yearly picture at Bridal Veil Falls

Thoughts Whilst Running...

I've been living in the miserable no man's land of regret these past days. It has not been pretty... so today I went for an extra long run to clear my head. As I was jogging/walking on a long, flat road many a thought popped into my head. Thought I would share a few...

First, on this long flat road were many walkers and runners, and some old fella's that were more putters than anything else. As I passed some of my fellow exerciser's I realized that the road represented the time-line of my life. And my companion travelers were sorta like the mistakes I have made along the path of life. Some were far behind me, some were like the persnickety speed walker that I would pass, then she would catch up, then I would pass her again. I finally gave up my recovery walking to get her behind me once and for all.

Some of the people were far ahead of me, which represented future mistakes. I couldn't make them out quite yet, but realized, life is full of mistakes and I would need to eventually pass them as well.

Some are in the past, some are sticking with me a little longer than I would like ( speed walker lady with your matching velor suit and perfectly coiffed ponytail that swung back and forth just so ) . And unavoidably, some are ahead of me.

While each mistake/trial/runner is a different shape and size, I need to pass them and leave them behind me. Running back to repeatedly circle around the people/mistakes I have already passed, will not get me to where I need to be. Sometimes, I need to press forward as hard and as fast as I can to get the opposition ( i.e. annoying competition ) behind me. I also need to keep my head up and face the upcoming mistakes, head on.

I need to truly embrace The Atonement and move forward in my life. Stop looking back and keep on running forward, no matter how many other mistakes I have left in my past, or may face in the future.

The second thought came to me as I trudged up the hill going around The Provo Temple. At the bottom of the hill, I saw many missionaries running down the hill as fast as they could. Other people were doing the same with a look of victory on their red and sweaty faces. I kept on trudging up and up.

You know, many times we pass people as they are running down the hill. They look so pleased with themselves and seem to be running at their peak. We do not see the struggle it took for them to get to the top of the hill. I forget most people had to march up one side of the hill, possibly going rather slow as I do, in order to be in the position to run alllll the way down the other side of the hill at top speed. I usually see people running down the hill and compare myself while I am working my way up the hill and wonder why I can't seem to compete.

We all have uphill battles and most likely wish life was all downhill, in a weird sort of way. The thrill can only come if I pay the price it takes to get to the top of the hill. I too get to the top of that old hill, pause and take a deep breath, then run my legs off while getting my best speed of the day. It is exhilarating to have such an excellent time for a good mile or so. It is the only part of my run where I truly feel fast and well trained.

So, I'm not going to look back ( as much as I usually do ) and I am going to enjoy the work it takes to get to the top of the hill, so it can all go down hill from there.

Be Grateful!

I LUV SUMMER!!

We are having quite the time here in wonderful family-laden Utah. The three younger kids and I have been busy visiting with family, going to sports camps, playing in the water, swimming, family parties, etc,etc,etc...

Here is my cousin Judy with my wonderful Grandma

My persistent little B working on her newly invented pillow- stuffing a bunch of batting into a pillow case and then sewing it shut. Only a Grandma would let her get away with that.

Here is the last day of football camp. This is one of the coaches telling the boys to say thank you to whoever paid for them to go to the camp-- I agree!

And here is Brandon a few hours after his last day of football camp-- they kept those boys busy (thank you-- mom's need someone to wear our boys out)

These are a few of my favorite things...

Mikenzie and her favorite pet, Rex

Kyle and James sharing a manly, bonding moment

Alex and his scholar bowl team-- he was team captain

The man, doing his favorite thing, playing with a ball, of any kind

Love this pic of Jeremy with his Rugby team-- talk about a happy camper!

Bitter-sweet happy things, Baylie graduating from 5th grade

Mikenzie's feet, I have a lot of this particular shot, don't know why, but it makes me smile

James and Baylie working on the garden together-- luv it

Coolio at his best-- love the cleats!

Weekend Warriors

Saturday was filled with all sorts of happenings at our home this weekend. I was preparing my RS lesson when I heard Brandon outside crying " Ow... ow... ow! " That didn't sound right. I opened the door to see him running home, holding his left arm saying " I'll never do that again". Being a curious mom, I asked him what had happened. Trying to emulate his hero, Jimmer, Brandon and his friend thought it would be a great idea to use a ladder to dunk a basketball. Brandon quickly found out, he was in fact NOT Jimmer, fell to the ground and broke his arm.

So, on the way to Kyle's second soccer game, we stopped by the office for an x-ray to confirm the break-- yep, it was broken. James casted Brandon with a beautiful BYU Blue cast.

If you notice, Baylie still wears a brace from her broken arm... from last month. We've had a string of broken bones, stayed tuned for even more fun.

Here we have Brandon at 2:00 p.m. on Saturday...

And... Brandon at 5:00 p.m. on Saturday, shooting a one armed basketball game across the street, where he broke his arm a few hours earlier. Good luck getting him to sit still for any amount of time. What a kid!

I love the look on Kyle's face in this picture-- his game face

Back to the broken bones. Sunday was the last game of the soccer tourney (I'm a soccer mom, I use lingo like tourney to prove it ). Kyle decided to play. We have taught about keeping the Sabbath Day holy and previously have not let him play on Sundays. He is 14 though, old enough to know right from wrong. We decided to let him choose for himself. James and I support him, regardless of how we feel.

James and Kyle left early Sunday morning for the game. Towards the end of the game, while I was at home trying to piece my RS lesson together ( frantically, for the second time), I received this text: Kyle just carried off of the field, ankle injury. That's right, his team lost and he injured his right ankle to the point he was carried off of the field by his coaches. When he was being taken off of the field his coach asked, " What is it with your family and breaking things?" I have the same question.
When they got home, James and Jeremy had to carry him into the house.

Back to the office after church. Luckily no breaks, he has a possible torn ligament. He is in a "boot" for now. We are waiting for the swelling to go down and to see how he recovers over the next few days before we proceed with an MRI. He is already kicking a soccer ball though... our hopes are high there will be no long term damage. Baylie of course had the brightest out look-- " Hey Kyle, when you wear your boot to school, I'll bet one of your favorite girls will carry your books for you ". To which Kyle promptly replied " I don't need some girl to carry my books! "

So, that was my memorable Mother's Day weekend.

Be Grateful!!

Suffering

Kansas City, MO Temple

Ever have an Ah-ha moment so profound that you realize the teaching came from The Spirit? You are taught instantly by a loving Heavenly Father without words or lessons, but by simple whisperings? Sometimes it is taught in layers, with different experiences adding up to one wonderful and gratitude filled interlude with God?

My wonderful and unique lesson came to me tonight after multiple layers of being taught through the Spirit. It all began a few weeks back as I was "running" while waiting for Kyle to finish soccer practice. I love using my time to accomplish two things at once. I was running up a hill and as it came to a crest, I looked up and saw our beautiful Kansas City Temple, being built just a few miles away from where Joseph Smith was jailed in Liberty, MO. I wondered how Emma would have felt if she knew one day, a temple would be built almost a stone's throw away from where her beloved husband sat in prison. I also wondered if maybe she did know, if she knew more than any of us realize. Her conviction and faith were just as firm as her husbands, her trials just as deep.

I have often reflected on that evening run and the thoughts that came to me as I looked at the temple in the horizon as the sun was setting. Fast forward to a few weeks later, after I was able to enjoy a wonderful week in UT, highlighted by Women's Conference, a few visits to the temples in Utah county, long overdue visits with friends and family. It was spiritually renewing and I have been so grateful for the opportunity to attend.

However, I fall so quickly back into the routine drudgery of my mundane life. Filled with loads of laundry, errands to run and children to attend to. All of that spiritual renewal seemed to have run out rather quickly. I had even lost my resolve to live with more charity and humility.

As I was folding yet another load of laundry tonight after my children had all gone to bed, I began to wallow once again in self-pity for the unexpected turns and set backs that seem to come so frequently into my life. My life just isn't what I dreamed it would be. It is overwhelming to me some days. We had this discussion last night, of all the long days and nights of being a loving, supportive wife to a struggling medical student. So many times, as the loneliness of not just being so far away from family, but from my husband being gone 16-18 hours a day, day after day. I would shore myself up by remembering I was enduring short term pain for long term rewards.

Well, life has a way of NOT turning out the way you plan it. I have been a long time whiner of such a truth, and am easily lulled into a private pity party on a frequent basis these days. Tonight though, a thought came to me. A question rather... Heavenly Father, haven't I struggled enough? The answer came quickly, quietly. No, you haven't. My mind was returned to my previous thoughts of Emma. Could I really stand face to face with her and tell her how hard my life was? Could I tell her it was difficult because I didn't drive a new car and my furniture was tattered and old? Could I look at those early Saints who had set back after set back and tell them how difficult it was for me? As I sit in an air conditioned home, full of modern appliances, with no fear of retribution or violence, here in Clay County Missouri, with a temple being built just a few minutes away? Could I explain to them the disappointment I have faced, when they literally fled in fear of their very lives being taken? Leaving their homes, time and time again?
Can I look to the women who lost children born with the same challenges as my children have been and tell them how difficult it was for me -- living in modern times where a few quick surgeries give them a full and meaningful life?

Haven't I suffered enough?

No, I haven't.

Such a gentle reminder and kind lesson taught to me tonight by a kind and loving Heavenly Father.

Be Grateful!