Wednesday, January 14, 2015

My terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day...

This morning was not a good one.  It actually started last night and dragged into the early morning hours.  Nothing I can't handle, but honestly, I am kinda tired of "handling" things. This has been a long, long year and I am really tired.  Not only has it  been a long year, we are gearing up for an even more challenging year ahead.  To say I am discouraged is an understatement. 

My kids weren't horrible this morning.  Two out of three attended seminary.  Kyle gave me a bit of an irresponsible attitude when he realized he overslept and was late for school ( again... senioritis is really kicking in lately ).  He tried to tell me he was going to fail a quiz because his mom didn't wake him up in time to study.  I don't think so.  

Just as I pulled into the high school parking lot to drop Kyle off at school, I received a text from B asking me to bring her the camera for her class.  My first and only thought was  " No... I'm not doing that today".  It was 8:30 and she needed the camera by 9:00.  I just really did not want to rescue today.  I am tired of rescuing my kids.  So, I told her no and she said   " Okay ".  Just like that.  Just like Baylie.  Always sweet and understanding.

After dropping my two boys off at school, both late, I came home and looked at my slightly disheveled house.  I wandered around, smiled at our sleeping puppy and felt tired.  I made a conscience decision to go back to bed.  I usually don't, but today was a pull the covers over your head kind of day.  A I don't want to face the day, kind of day.  It's all too much to deal with kind of day.  I just can't take another step, kind of day.

You see, last night my husband finalized his arrangements to go to California to work for the next year, without us.  Lest you be concerned, we are all good.  It was a tough decision, but with Kyle graduating in 4 months and Jeremy coming home from his mission in 6 months and Mikenzie graduating early, it's just best the family remain in our home here while James sets out after yet another lofty career move, one that we are praying is an answer to our prayers. 

It is really hard to "feel good " about said move when there isn't a single cell in my body that wants to move.  We really love it here.  Take the humidity away and it would be almost perfect.  The schools have been great, friends have been awesome.  My kids are so very happy.  We love our ward and all of the people in it.  I like the neighborhood, the city, the whole area.  I love the church history that we are surrounded by.  And now, we are in a position where we need to say goodbye to it all.  And move, to crazy California.  Somewhere I swore I would never live.  But, the career opportunities have all  but dried up here.  James hates his jobs and is tired of working 70 hours a week only to be broke, exhausted and discouraged at the end of every pay period.  There are so many pros to moving, but so many hurdles to jump over just to get to said pros.  So he is leaving and I am staying.  Single mom, again.  We've done this before, but I am tired and it doesn't sound too fun this time around.

My real discouragement comes not from all that I listed above, but from my lost little lamb. Wandering.  Lost.  Confused.  Defiant. Stuck. Lonely. It is truly heartbreaking to see such a brilliant, funny, handsome kid so utterly chained down by his own thoughtless and kind of dumb decisions.  And he is just swirling around in circles, not even realizing how truly lost he is and how much ground he has lost.  Difficult. Frustrating. Ornery. Angry. Resentful. Rebellious. Hard hearted.  Bitter. Spiteful. Not words I would have ever chosen to use to describe any of my children.  And yet, he is.  He is all of that and more, but I am the mom and I am trying to be polite.  

The hardest part is the solution to almost all of these problems is right before his face and yet because it is "conforming" to something his parents want to him to have, he rejects it.  I am so heartbroken over this prodigal son.  He hates me.  He resents me.  He " will never forgive " me.  He promised me one day he would make me regret choices " for the rest of my life" and he sure is living up to that promise, all to his own self defeat and destruction.  

What exactly have I done to my child to make him so hateful?  Nothing really.  Absolutely NO abuse whatsoever.  We moved when he was 14, to a better city with greater opportunities.  We sent him to work at Scout camp at 16.  We "made" him earn his Eagle.  We "forced" him to graduate from seminary.  We tried and failed at getting him to study for good grades.  And he hates me/us for all of it.  He has warped memories of only having one sock for church, being ignored and not having glasses that he needed ( yeah, I'm talking about the $400 glasses still sitting in a drawer right this very minute, because they cost $400 and I can't bear to toss them out ).  He laments that he is not the favorite ( can parents even have a favorite? )   Claims he raised himself from the age of 11 years old. The word mission will cause an nuclear explosion like none other.  

I don't even know how to deal with this adult child anymore.  I don't know how to heal this relationship that he has cast aside.  I send letters that go unread.  I send care packages that are never appreciated.  I make sure he has birthday and Christmas gifts galore without even so much as a text to say thank you.  We can't joke.  We can't tease.  We can't even give each other a hug.  He is not the only one that is lost.

So, my heart is heavy today.  My shoulders do not feel equal to the tasks that lay ahead of me.  But I got out of bed... Tucker had to go out, so... I got out of bed.  I washed dishes and did the laundry.  I cleaned and organized.  I had some chocolate.  And I will take another step forward.  I am going to the temple to find some peace tonight.  I can only pray for the comfort that only Jesus Christ can give me.  The comfort that I wish my son could find, and apply and change his life with. Pray for me.  

Time to pick up the kids and be the strong mom.

Be grateful!!