Tomorrow is the first day of school year 2011-12. My oldest is a senior. My oldest... is a senior!! It seems like just yesterday I was a senior. Now here I am, a battle weary mother of teenage boys, pre-teen girls, and a feisty 8 year old.
Life is harder than I had hoped it would be at this stage in life for me and mine. It seems we have encountered one trial after another over the past year. It has left me wondering WHY? Why me? Why can't this road I'm on be a little easier to travel? Why can I catch a break, just once?
Sometimes I think my life is likened unto the pioneers crossing the plains. You see, some were very smart and left in late spring/early summer and arrived in the valley in reasonable time. Others were a little foolhardy and left in late fall, thinking they would be blessed by the Lord, despite their poor choices. Their story is a faith filled, heroic one, but filled with trials that could have easily been avoided if they had been a bit wiser. And then the third group, well, they didn't fare well at all and turned on one another, literally eating each other up.
We don't really know the names of the pioneers who had a fairly wise and easy trip across the plains. We don't want to know a lot about The Donner party, and we hear a lot about The Willey-Martin hand cart company.
I often wonder, which one I would have chosen to cross the plains with, or if I would have opted to stay in beautiful Nauvoo and not cross at all. I think James and I would fall into the Willey-Martin company. We seem to frequently choose the more difficult route in life, then meet up with folks who have traveled a similar path and after comparing our travels, wonder why we weren't as smart as the ones who left in early spring. We often look back and realize a hardy winter coat would have come in handy, or maybe we really should have opted for the extra flour instead of the 25 pounds of lead we thought would be important. You never know when you could use a hefty helping of dead weight, right?
So, how did I end up in the middle of Wyoming, in the middle of winter, in the middle of a rock? Why not an easy-peasy path for me? Is it one of my own making? Is it one to help me grow?
Some quotes from Women's Conference ( which I loved ):
Righteousness has never precluded adversity. Heavenly Father provides opportunities during times of adversity that cannot be gained otherwise.
Connie Zwick Allen
Every experience can be a redemptive experience. If we stripped ourselves of the learning and experiences of life, we would be left with an empty shell.
Jeffery R. Holland ( quote of a quote of a quote )
Seriously though, I still just want to whine and complain. This is not what I signed up for!
But then... in church on Sunday, during the Sacrament, which is usually the quietest time of the entire week for me, I realized something. I have spent most of my life waiting for that elusive state of happiness to find me. Just about 40 years to be exact. I realized, I need to be the one who finds happiness. It will not come to me. It needs to be a choice, a way of life, an attitude.
That little bit of insight brought to me by The Spirit has helped me greatly this week. I am seeking out happiness every day. I am looking for the blessings and goodness that are all around me, just because I am alive. Sometimes the clouds cover my sunshine a bit, but things do seem a bit brighter.
Frances Webster of the ill-fated Willey-Martin handcart company said:
We suffered beyond anything you can imagine... Every one of us came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with Him in our extremities!
I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it. I have gone to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me! I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the Angels of God were there. “Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No! Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.
May I have the faith of Brother Webster when I take one last look at the long and difficult trail I crossed, called life.
Be Grateful!!
1 comment:
Terry, I feel your thoughts. Today on FB, my sister-in-law who lives in Mozambique in Africa with Donovan's brother, posted pictures of a recent family get together they had last week. I showed the photo's to my girls of their cousins. It broke their heart. They just wished they were back in SA so they could see their cousins everyday or at least far more than they see them now. As we sat cuddled on the couch while Claudia painted her nails, Jessica who I was cuddling went on about how she wishes she was back in SA. This broke my heart. My girls do not have friends here. They have acquaintances but not friends that they hang out with. I feel so sad for them and often wonder what I could be doing better for them. But then I realise, this is better for them. It is better where we are now, but I hope one day they will be able to meet fine worthy young men to marry and that will take them away to an even nicer place. Northern Ireland is so small, but we are safe here and the education is good and they are having opportunities here that they will not have had in SA. But that still does not take away the feelings that I wish they had friends and family near by. Sometimes I realise that I have done to them exactly what my parents did to me by taking me away from a bad situation, which at the time I did not realise was a bad situation. I do now, but that did not fill the loneliness. Even now, I very often feel alone here in NI, even though I have a sister 2 streets away and one on the other side of town 10 minutes away, all my aunts and uncles and cousins live here in Belfast 20 minutes away, but I am alone as I do not see them, I am a good Mormon and they don't accept that. I have friends, but they are not close friends I see all the time as they and I are at different times in our lives and our timetables are different, Today as I looked at the family growing up in the photos, I felt so lonely. But like you and the pioneers, I have to see the bigger picture. It is a hard life, it is not always easy, but we were told that we are a chosen generation to be able to come through the trials that will be before us. Sometimes it is not easy to see that. It is a comfort to me to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings, but that another sister has similar or the same feelings. The good thing is that we can recognize when we are being infiltrated with thoughts from the devil that we are not doing enough or have not been given the easy road and poor us, and we can re commit ourselves and put our shoulder to the wheel, and push along, even for just a little bit longer. Thank you for sharing your very personal thoughts, it has strengthened me today. I look forward to meeting you next year!!!!
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