I have had this thorn in my side, this wrestle with The Lord, one that I haven't wanted. One that I have resisted and fought against. A cup I have begged to be removed from me. And yet, that darn thorn is still there, sticking in my side, itching away, not letting up one bit.
The thing about this thorn, I don't have any control over it. I have no "free agency" on this one. Someone else is choosing to use their free agency in a manner that is not quite fitting in with my plan. And in my opinion, the choices are wrong and will have eternal, life changing consequences. And the whole world will come to a screeching halt if things aren't done the way I think they need to be done! Or so I thought.
So, after months and months of complaining, lamenting, whining, weeping and praying, I have finally come to accept this prickly thorn. I truly have. Really. Even my husband doesn't believe me. But I have.
In the beginning, I was in denial. I was convinced I could change the outcome. If I had enough faith, hearts would change. If I went to the temple enough, angels would attend. If I fasted, prayers would be heard. And I am sure all of that happened, on the other side of the veil. Meanwhile here in Missouri... I continued to follow my "promptings" which caused more bitter, hateful angry battles in the process. Because I was trying to do it my way. Then one day I realized, regardless of my intentions, contention is of the devil and I am not bringing any spirit of love and peace into the situation by "helping" Heavenly Father.
Then I went into the depression mode. Everything depressed me and brought me to tears. I could not find peace. Every choice made that wasn't in line my agenda, sent me to bed. I would cry and pray and cry some more. And then...everything would still be the same when I would finally emerge from my den of despair. Other than feeling my children were being neglected,
nothing came of this self absorbed selfish behavior.
Strike two on how to solve this problem.
Well, here I am. I still have a thorn in my side, a lump in my throat and a band-aid across my broken heart. But I have changed as a person. I have come to accept this "trial". I hesitate calling it a trial, as I know so many more people are out there in the world with real, heart-breaking, mind numbing full blown trials. At first I considered it a challenge, which is why I approached this whole thing the totally wrong way from the very beginning. I like challenges, I thrive on overcoming difficulty. This was a bit more than a challenge, but hasn't quite risen to the true level of " trial " in my book.
I have accepted this challenge, trial, frustration, lesson. What ever it is. Bit by bit. I truly have. I find comfort in short scriptures. In quotes from the prophets. In prayer. In beautiful sunrises. Just today I heard a scripture from a talk that had a totally different subject, but it brought me great comfort.
D&C 100: 12-15
12: Therefore, continue your journey ( ie. life's journey ) and let your heart rejoice;
for behold, and lo, I am with you, even unto the end.
13: And now I give unto you a word concerning ____( the person not making the best decisions ).
_____ (same person ) shall be redeemed, although ( he will be) chastened for a little season.
14: Thy (son is) in my hands;
and inasmuch as (he) keeps my commandments,
( he ) shall be saved.
15: Therefore, let your heart be comforted;
for all things shall work together for good to them that walk uprightly...
See that? A little drop of comfort and peace. A little dab will do ya. It is all I need, just to know my prayers have been heard, are being heard and that this battle is far from over. Little baby steps, one at a time on my pathway of finding peace during a trial, challenge, not very fun time.
Be Grateful!
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